Along with Vevo‘s grand unveiling last night, a few new major exclusives have cropped up on the site, including the ACTUAL behind-the-scenes video for “Video Phone.” Arguably, it’s even funnier than the parody.

To help my Muusers better understand what’s happening here, I’ve written up a little guide to understanding some of the dialogue and wordplay happening here: Take note.

Beyonce

What we hear: “She came to the video shoot and learned the choreography which I didn’t…even expect her to put so much time into it, but she said ‘I want this to be an event.’ And she worked really hard and learned it so fast.”

What actually is: “This ho got the nerve to show up at my video shoot without permission, but before I could free a hand and side-slap the bitch, she starting whining about her ‘art’….so I let her have some much-needed time with my choreographer while me and Jay went shopping for neon-glow toy guns for her to hold.”

Choreographer

What we hear: “This is what makes Beyonce so amazing at what she does, because she understands that Lady Gaga just learned this yesterday, and you can see her over on the screens just watching and learning, and seeing how she can adjust herself to adjust to Gaga.”

What actually is: “This is only further proof that Beyonce is indeed our Lord and Saviour, because she understands that Lady Gaga is truly a terrible dancer, and you can see her lowering herself to Gaga’s level of mediocrity in order to make sure that crackhead didn’t fuck up the video too much. Praise Beysus.”

Lady Gaga

What you hear: “It’s so funny! I don’t know how to deal with the fan!” *Laughing hard, tearing up.*

What actually is: “It’s so…beautiful! I don’t know how to deal with the beauty!” *Takes off nonexistent over-sized sunglasses, cries tears of Gaga beauty.*

Beyonce

What you hear: (While clapping and laughing) “It’s great!”

What actually is: (While clapping and laughing) “How much can we edit her out before it starts becoming obvious that it’s intentional?”

Lady Gaga

What you hear: “I like when I look like your back-up dancer.”

What actually is: “I like when I look like your back-up dancer.”

And that’s all you need to know.

First, the good news: Mariah Carey has just premiered her video for upcoming single “H.A.T.E.U.” on Vevo, which marks the first time we get to see the video site live in action!

If you don’t remember, I first wrote about the planned Hulu-esque music video compendium back in April of this year. Now, after a few initial kinks and false starts, the video site has officially premiered! As of right now, I greatly approve. Very high quality, very painless…Let’s see how it fares.

And now for the bad: The video in question happens to be a complete waste of your time, which is especially painful given that it accompanies one of the best songs from Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel. It is literally shit.

Put it away and make a video with a point already, Mimi!

We’ve heard quite enough about the collapse of the music industry. Could this be the saving grace?

According to a report published by Billboard earlier today, Universal Music Group and Google (YouTube) are premiering an online music video service called Vevo sometime later this year. The service will host all of Universal’s promo material (including interviews, music videos, and performances) and, if successful, will continue to incorporate material from other major and independent labels.

The idea behind the service is this: When labels ship out their artist’s music videos online, they spread the wealth among a variety of services (Yahoo, YouTube, AOL, etc.) Because of this however, advertisers have their pick at these websites, meaning competition is low ($3-$8 per thousand clicks). The hope is to channel all music videos into one single service, thereby increasing competition amongst advertisers and boosting revenue (the goal is around $25-$40 per thousand clicks).

Much like the success of other “single stop” Internet services such as Hulu and iTunes, the plan is not only to offset the illegal distribution of copyright materials, but to provide funding for the labels and their artists who deserve to be making money for their work.

Though this could very well be just one of the many experimental new ways of coping with the age of bootlegging, I think it’s worth a shot. Sure, the advertising model is highly experimental, but why not take a chance?

What do you think, Muusers?