Okay, real talk.
When news broke earlier this week that will.i.am really, really is coming on board as the executive producer of Britney‘s 8th studio album (working title: Blackout 2.0: It Gets Urbaner), the reality of the situation left most, if not all of us, steaming like a pot full of vegetables.
I, for one, was furious: After all, I’ve referred to him as a musical terrorist for the greater half of the past decade. He’s cocky, his name is annoying, he’s got a stupid haircut and he’s responsible for megatons of club-pop drivel: “Boom Boom Pow,” “Check It Out,” “Imma Be,” “T.H.E. (The Hardest Ever)”—and worst of all, THIS. Plus, we all know “Scream & Shout” is only tolerable because of Britishney, bitch.
But upon further consideration and extensive prayer and meditation, I’ve come to realize that will.i.am isn’t always the will.i.worst. (Just, y’know, usually.)
As the executive producer of Britney’s album, will.i.am doesn’t necessarily have to touch all, or even any, of the songs. His responsibility is to curate the overall record. Beyond that, he’s already promised to meet with Britney and create something “personal” and “intimate,” rather than a mere collection of slay-ready dance floor cuts. He seems genuine in his intention to represent Brit Brit’s life in a meaningful way through her musical output—and that’s something to support, not shade. (I don’t know about you, but I sure want a Spearitual Ray of Light!)
Yes, he’s spent the last few years of his career servicing hashtag-friendly, Auto-Tune-heavy robo-bangers for the masses, but he’s contributed some pretty major tunes to the pop universe too.
So instead of waking up in a cold sweat screaming (and shouting) from night terrors of Britney singing the sequel to “My Humps,” let’s just remain Optimisticney and consider all the good stuff. (And please Godney, let there be no hashtags.)
Our worst fears have finally been realized, and everything is a nightmare: will.i.cant really is executive producing Britney‘s 8th studio album.
will.i.cannot‘s album, #willpower, is out today. (Well, not like out out, but “now streaming on YouTube” out, because even his record label knows that nobody’s going to legally shell out their hard-earned coin on that mess.)
If you haven’t already noticed the dryness in your throat, we’ve become some parched-ass Britney stans beggin’ for a taste of new anything—and also to If U Seek Amy. Y’all are thirsty, and so am I. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’d stan out for 15 seconds of raw demo vocals for “My Baby.” We’re begging for something to sip on. (REFERENCE.)
The Holy Spearit waits for no mortal man.
Accordingly, the video for the objectively terrible “Scream & Shout (Remix)” featuring Diddy, will.i.am, Lil Wayne, Wocka Flocka Flame & Hit-Boy (collectively known as GOOF, or Gaggle of Old Fools) leaked a bit early yesterday during the celebration of St. Valentine on a China-based video streaming site. (No doubt her way of blessing the lonely souls on Valentine’s Day–praise her light.)
SIT DOWN, SHUT THE FUCK UP AND CEASE ALL OF YOUR BODILY PROCESSES BECAUSE QUITE LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE MATTERS RIGHT NOW.
In an effort to pull us out from under (REFERENCE) the basic, reductive heaps of sub-par pop we’ve had to endure over the past Brit-less year, the Sensual Seductress, the Enchanting Mistress, the Legendary Miss Britney Spears has briefly stepped away from her throne at the judge’s table on X Factor to smite lessers, break the ice and snatch all wigs with a feature on will.i.am‘s upcoming single–her first feature on an official single, ever.