Legendtina

Excluusive: Legendtina Dishes on Her New Music Video (Just Kidding, It’s Another Perfume)

Legendtina Perfume 2017

GRAMMY®-Award winning record artist, first-ever Gay Walk of Fame inductee and premiere perfumer Legendtina Maria Nina Desnudate Goduilera is back in action at last — with a new fragrance, that is.

This week, @christinaaguilerafragrances made its industry-shaking, game-changing launch on Instagram, marking a new era in ahead-of-its-time aromatic excellence.

After several denied requests over the phone and one strongly worded suggestion to go “shove a bottle of Royal Desire up your woohoo,” MuuMuse‘s own Bradley Stern was begrudgingly granted permission to visit Legend X’s lair in Los Angeles over the weekend to discuss her “confident and sensual” new perfume, as well as what’s to come with her own music. Sort of.

Read on…

Legend X, it’s an honor to be sitting down with you once again again today in your humble home. It’s been years since we last saw each other. This lip-shaped love seat is very comfortable.

You’re welcome, fan. What was your name again?

Bra — 

Brian, that’s right. The…blogger. Actually, can you hold this?

Thanks. So this upcoming scent will be the latest in a highly successful string of releases over the past decade: from Christina Aguilera to Christina Aguilera by Night to Glam X to Red Sin to Woman.

Don’t forget Secret Potion.

Of course. And now you’ve got yet another new fragrance coming out —

Hey…HEY…HEY-AYYYYY-AY-AYYYYY-HA-SAY! [A four octave, twenty-six second sneeze rings out throughout the mansion.] Phew! Sorry. It’s just from all the time spent in the labs mixing and matching those fragrances. Allergenies in a bottle.

That’s quite alright. How does this particular perfume differ from your 47 other scents, which may or may not be used to mask your glaring absence from the music scene and rapidly free-falling relevance?

What did you just say?

I said how does this particular perfume differ from your 47 other scents, which may or may not be used to enhance your natural powerhouse vocal talent, genius musicality and influence?

Oh! Right. Well, much as with myself as an artist, it’s got quite the range. The bottom note — you’re well acquainted with being on the bottom, I’m sure — smells of lotus flower. The middle note is summer rain. And the top note, if you can believe it, is actually the scent of a metal alloy called grammium. Yes, the very same one they use to make the Grammys.

Wow, so people will actually smell like a Grammy Award when they wear this?

Yes. And here’s why: I know that most people will never smell one in their lives — maybe they’re too busy singing ’90s House songs about baskets and caskets and expired coupons to win those awards, I’m just spitballing here — so I dedicate this to those lifelong fighters.

Your generosity is overwhelming. In the thrilling promotional clips for this new fragrance, you speak on the power of women as a woman. I’m sure you’re aware that Kesha just released a song called “Woman,” and Kelly Clarkson has an empowering track coming out on her next album called “Whole Lotta Woman.” I imagine that you —

Wow, and isn’t that wonderful? I’m not familiar with those songs, but I think it’s amazing that the Voice contestants you just mentioned are continuously inspired by my work, no matter how early they were eliminated from the show. It’s a testament to the timelessness of my oeuvre, from “What a Girl Wants” to “Can’t Hold Us Down,” to “My Girls,” which just keeps getting better.

But they aren’t —

As I was saying, my fragrance is inspired by being a woman. Feeling like a woman. Singing like a woman. Desnudate-ing like a woman. Man, I feel like a woman, you know? HA! That would make a good song title, actually.

Speaking of inspiring women, Demi Lovato recently said that her new album was heavily inspired by you — Stripped, specifically.

I heard. I’m so happy I could help pave that path for the lesser artists to easily stroll through behind me. I love her song “Bad Liar.”

Actually, that’s — never mind. Walk me through the concept of the video shoot for this perfume.

Well, it’s me in my home, just like the video for “Hoy Tengo Ganas De Ti.”

Yes, I was actually hired to do the English subtitles for that one.

That’s nice. Anyway, so I’m walking through a door…

Yes.

And then I sit down in a chair…

Yes.

And then that’s it. Any other questions?

That sounds incredible. So, I know that your publicist Sistina told me I wasn’t allowed to ask this next question — who sounded a lot like you over the phone, come to think of it — but I have to ask anyway: it’s been five years since your last studio album, Lotus. Where is the new music?

Wow, what an interesting question that no one has ever asked me before this very moment. You know, honestly, for me it’s all about being inspired. I’ve really just been taking time in life to reflect on feeling this moment, every moment, good and bad. Life’s all about love and glamour, but also about being hurt and dirrty. I won’t shy away from my truth. I’m still figuring out the stories I need to tell — no, that the world needs me to tell. You know, and then also performing at private corporate showcases, bar mitzvahs and weddings for millionaire czars of dubious origin for massive undisclosed sums here and there.

The world needs you back urgently, more than ever. I don’t know if we can deal with another week of Taylor Swift’s “Look What You Made Me Do” on the charts.

Is that a band? I get it. But for me, it’s all about playing the long game. A true artist’s music endures over time, much like delicious taste of an Oreos© cookie after being dunked in a cup of milk for eight to ten seconds for prime sogginess. Speaking of which, would you care for one?

Christina Aguilera Oreo

No, thank you.

Your loss.

I hope this doesn’t offend you, but it’s time to be blunt: your fans are getting restless. You haven’t properly toured in over a decade. You had a part in The Emoji Movie. All this talk of your back catalog enduring for the long run: wouldn’t you say that you’ve become sort of a…legacy act?

Christina Aguilera Blink GIF

Note: the interview ended abruptly for undisclosed reasons. A big thank you to the incredibly caring staff at Cedars-Sinai Hospital.

Legendtina is an ongoing parody fan-fiction series — and if you don’t like it, fuck you.