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Heidi Montag: Superficial (Album Review)
Filed in: Album Review, Britney Spears, Cathy Dennis, Chris Rojas, Heidi Montag, Paris Hilton, Steve Morales
It’s difficult to appreciate Heidi Montag as a human being.
At first glance, she isn’t much more than your typical blonde bimbo socialite; a plastic Barbie making bank from a talentless role on a “reality” show gallivanting around L.A. to fill the narcissistic need for attention like a spray-tanned crack addict with a flesh-color beard creeper of a husband.
But there’s another side to her–a weird one: Her personality is fragmented and strange, bouncing from the hyperbolic fame whore staging fake, elaborate photo-ops for the paparazzi and claiming her album to be on par with Michael Jackson’s Thriller, to the self-effacing, D-List embracing character portrayed in “Overdosin’,” to a pseudo born-again conservative Christian spouting off 140-characters-or-less bible verses on Twitter with one hand and signing off on photo stills for her Playboy spread with the other.
Not unlike Sarah Palin, Heidi Montag is either a comedic genius or an air-headed blowhole. It is possible that she may be a combination of both. For a while, I thought she could be the Antichrist.
And now, after endless unnecessary EP releases and a doofy, worm-like performance at the 2009 Miss Universe Pageant that seemed like a PG reinterpretation of Britney’s 2000 VMA performance, we have Superficial, a gift that truly keeps on giving.
One couldn’t stand to write a review of Superficial without first exploring the “vocals”: The work done on Heidi’s voice is, if nothing else, astounding. While many rich, socialite brats and mega pop stars–yes, even my beloved Britney!–are no strangers to Auto-Tune (I’ve been told that the pitch correction for Paris Hilton’s debut took over eight months alone), Heidi’s digital reconstruction is downright impressive.
It seems that not only can Heidi not sing (at all), but that the engineers couldn’t even stand to allow an instance of her true voice on the album without first melting it down with pitch-assisting, machine sound for a single second. At least Paris Hilton could command a lazy, if not a slightly sultry whisper: Heidi doesn’t even get the option of breathing on this mess.
That being said, Heidi spent a reported cool $2 million on this album to get the finest in the industry, and that she did: With songwriting credits from Cathy Dennis, Steve Morales and Chris Rojas, Superficial has a slew of songs that are well-written and, in theory, are quite good.
“Look How I’m Doing” and “Turn Ya Head” are delicious guilty pleasures, providing thick, dance-worthy synths piled atop Montag’s verses to the point where the lyrics are barely intelligable. Further on, “More is More” is about as close to a genuine hit as Heidi comes on the album, meshing a naughty chorus (“More is more on the dancefloor, it’s fucking chaos in here”) with a vaguely addictive synthesized beat.
“Twisted” is another delight, reveling in Montag’s toilet paper-thin delivery and manic, computer-controlled pitch changes. It’s actually a pretty well-written song–its only downfall being that it wasn’t released by a real artist first.
In her riskiest move (can I really call it that?), Heidi takes the already hypocrisy-ridden ‘Christian’ side of her persona and drives her values even deeper into the ground with “I’ll Do It.” The song, a slinkier reaction to the album’s mostly hasty offerings, features a handful of awkward come-ons meant to sound enticing (a failed attempt), while simultaneously presenting the album’s greatest lyrics: “I brought some treats / I know that you gon love em /Come eat my panties off of me.”
There are some hilarious, just-plain-bad numbers as well, including “My Parade,” which includes a farty marching band stomp and a truly hellacious set of lyrics about being defiant and young. Picture a balloon slowly deflating while being held by a sad, crying clown–that’s “My Parade” in visual form.
Heidi’s oft-published delusions of grandeur help to solidify this album’s non-genius genius, as in this morsel from EW:
“Most artists, it’s not their own money, but I’ve actually gone broke putting every dollar I’ve ever made and my heart and soul into this music. For me, I have a different appreciation, a different understanding, and a different love of my music and for my album than any other artist possibly could.”
If that’s the case–if we are to believe that Heidi’s heart and soul are found here in these songs (none of which having been penned or even co-penned by herself), you’ll learn nothing that you haven’t already on the cover of Star Magazine, aside from the fact that she wears edible undies from time to time.
To be blunt, I don’t think Heidi knows who Heidi is. Fake and real seem to be distinctions that serve no purpose in Heidi’s blurred perception of the world. How she actually wishes to be perceived is an even deeper mystery. She is superficial, and superficiality may be her only reality. So really, the album is actually quite personal and deep when you think about it.
Just kidding.
For tongue-in-cheek pop flop enthusiasts like myself, Superficial is truly a goldmine: In all honesty, it’s a fun album. She’s a terrible singer, but there’s a certain cheeky, camp appeal to the whole ordeal.
Surprisingly hooky, hilariously bad and devoid of vocal talent, Superficial is not, as most would expect, an utter train-wreck…it’s just a good ol’ shit show.
21 comments
This is a wonderful summation of everything I already assumed as I refuse to listen to any of it. I despise her and Spencer.
Thank you.
Finally a good review. haha. I thought this album was self-titled also. It is a sad that some of the songs could have been real hits for real singers. I guess they will be lost. Video didn’t kill this radio star. She just plain murdered music.
i am sad, i stand alone. i haven’t stopped listening to this album for enough time to pause and shake my own head at myself. it’s fucking chaos in here.
wow – so much potential here if there was any talent behind these songs. Much like a Rosie Odonnell album (sans the charitable purpose), the singing is brutal. It makes me appreciate other singers who I thought were talented. It also makes me hate myself a little bit.
“makes me appreciate other singers who I thought were UNtalented” my bad
That’s a little harsh!!! I’m actually looking forward too it – I’ll stick with Steve, at least in Spirit, for now!
embarrassing and truly horrible, but in a weird, weird way i kind of like it. it’s wrong, i know.
Just to clarify, I’ve been listening to this all week. It IS terrible…and delicious.
theres a reason why this girl never secured a record deal, someone with half a brain would realize that theres a reason for that. Forking 2 mill on the album is something she is going to regret so much.
Comparing her album to thriller was so offensive for me, and just shows how deluded this girl is.
I despise spencer pratt, that guy is just the enabler and if not even more deluded.
Listening to this cd I only liked 2 songs, “turn your head” and “look how im doing”… its true her singing is horrible I could compare it to ke$ha’s vocals… horrible
On the one hand, I don’t mind reading about a hypocrite getting shredded, but, on the other hand, I’m not too thrilled with your sexist language. For all her faults, Montag is a human being with feelings and intelligence. The bimbo label is just the same old same old that we here about women to criticize them on their looks.
Montag is on the cover of People magazine this week because of the multiple plastic surgeries she felt obliged to undergo to be perceived as socially acceptable even though she was already beautiful. While Montag may not be an innocent, she is the victim of our society’s harsh treatment of women that forces many to suffer because they don’t meet an impossible standard of beauty.
Attack her singing but layoff her looks.
Beyond sad . .
I feel like I’m losing my mind but I have this album on replay on myspace and I may actually go buy a physical copy! Heidi is growing on me, as much as I can’t believe it. I sympathize with her after interviews with Al roker and their humiliating endeavor on “…get me outta here” and she is not completely stupid…she’s tenacious
oh yeah it’s only digital
Heidi appears to want to follow in Michael Jackson steps by using all the same people and by getting all that plastic on her face.
It’s brutal.
Check out my review…
http://blog.icansingtoo.com/2010/01/try-this-heidi-montag-superficial.html
I think it sounds just like the Brittnay Spears album, Blackout. I think she tried to hard to sound like someone else. Although when you listen to it the beat of the music and the vocal touch up sound just like Brit! I think she should make this album hers!!!
Hahahahaha after hearing her on that celeb show trying to sing i wont even bother here,she has no talent but if she wants to sell go to disney they have miley & all those crappy no talents….
or go the britney way shes also another no talent mimer who cant sing……boring…
If I’m honest, I actually like Heidi Montag,
i’m not too keen on Spencer, but the coulple
make the show what it is, now Lauren’s gone.
And, her music’s actually good. Only thing is,
where is “Body Language”, “No More” and “Fashion”
on the album, listen to those 3 on youtube…
…Your opinon may change.
Furthermore, who are we to critisize, or laugh at,
she’s doing something right, she’s rolling in the money,
and earns more in a year than we do likely in a lifetime.
…I just speak the truth!
Athough, she didn’t need any of that surgery,
she was gorgeouss before.
This is my favourite album in ages! It’s so good, and regardless of singing talent/song writing abilities etc… at the end of the day, it’s a pleasure to listen and dance to.
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