Last night, Christina Aguilera and Adam Levine tag-teamed with the rest of Maroon 5 (ew, not like that!) to premiere their sizzlin’ new summer single, “Moves Like Jagger.”

Adam looked very unsurprisingly sexy in his sharp suit (FORESHADOWING MOMENT) and Legendtina looked–well, she wore a frumpy, unflattering white tee that continued her newly signature ‘perpetually six months pregnant’ look.

But they sounded rull good! I mean, even though they kind of clearly avoided each other on stage and had some sort of weird love-hate/mostly-hate chemistry going on. But they sounded good!

Then the performance ended, and THIS happened:

THEY READ MY TWEET ALOUD.

Yes, Muusers: Alison, of The Voice‘s Social Media Room-brought-to-you-by-Sprint fame, read my hard-hitting review of Maroon 5‘s performance: “Mr. @AdamLevine is looking all sorts of sexy in a sharp suit–killing “Moves Like Jagger”! #TheVoice” (To see it go down, fast forward to the 47-minute mark.)

Almost immediately, the recognition came flooding in: The emails! The tweets by the hundreds! The Facebook messages from long-lost family members and friends! “You’re famous now!” Famous, I began to think to myself. FAMOUS. The mere thought alone was smothering.

Without so much as a second thought, I slipped on a pair of over-sized Chanel shades and an ironic art smock by Obesity & Speed and quickly dashed out the door. “No! You can’t go out there alone!” my mother cried as I clawed through the swarms of wanting paparazzi clamoring outside, now buzzing with all the frenzied hunger and intensity of a thousand mosquitoes at the annual summer luau held at the Kardashian’s chateau.

But I quickly found the outside word cold–much colder than I’d ever known the world to be before. “Oh my God, you’re that Twitter guy from The Voice!” shouted elderly people and babies passing by in strollers. “I’M HUMAN!” I cried back. “HUMAN!”

Hopelessly, I became drunk–first on power, and then literally drunk, as I soon spiraled into an drug and alcohol-induced rager across southern Connecticut. Entering into the seventh dive bar of the night around 3 A.M., I was stopped by an overzealous bodyguard named Joey D with a bad attitude and an even worse sense of timing.

“Sorry, I’m going to need to see some ID,” he muttered impatiently, his fat neck muscles nearly bursting from his too-tight black tee. I shot him a quick side-eye. “I said,” he started again. But before he had another second to stutter the next syllable, I wound up and–with all my might–punched him square in the face. “DO YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM? MY TWEET WAS READ ALOUD ON THE VOICE,” I shouted as I raised my bloodied hand and formed a peace sign. (You know, like this.)

The rest of the night remains but a blur of dark alleys, rolled bills and anonymous sex. In the morning, I awoke to a freshly buzzed head, a Star of David tattooed just above my crotch and a broken umbrella scattered in pieces along my driveway.

And you know what? IT WAS WORTH IT.

IT WAS ALL WORTH IT.

HO MAY LARD.

I’mma needa sit down for this one…

Irish living legend QUEEN NUHDEEN has just unveiled the premiere single from her sudden solo career revamp: “Sweetest High.”

It’s a glittering dance song with a throbbing house beat! It can be danced to while under the influence!

Alright, let’s cut the shit: “Sweetest High” is a cheap-ass, broke-down production that plays like a 2005 MySpace dance diva’s fledgling Billboard Bubbling Under dance single.

The mix is tinny and sparse, and the beats are embarrassingly dated, cheap and generic. It is, by all definitions, a tickety tack hot tranny mess from Transylvania that is not apologizing for it. (The reference on that one, if you weren’t aware.)

While I might have heralded this song as The Second Coming if offered up by a less notable chanteuse–perhaps a Heidi Montag or a Brooke Hogan type (maybe, as most of their discography still shits all over this)–the song is being sung by Nadine Coyle, an actual, verifiable singer of legendary pop songs.

And yes, she’s sanging! A lot! And of course she’s always amazing when she sings, but…oh, I just. I can’t. I can’t!

I mean, honestly: I don’t mean to throw so much shade (way too late for that one), but when Tila Tequila can jiggle her yum yums for a more noteworthy beat (“Hideaway”) than a PLATINUM-SELLING GIRL GROUP MEMBER, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.

Nadine, listen–no, put down the stilettos and LISTEN TO ME: You’ve sold a lot of fucking albums! And YOU are the lead vocals on many of the Aloud singles! You should be doing better than this, and you DAYUM WAYHL KNOW UT!

HAD AY KNOWN THUS WUD HAYPUN, AY WUD HAYV JUST PRAYFAYURED ANUTHAYR SAYNGUL FROM UNSHAYSHABULL, NUHDEEN.

CRAYUNG UH MAYLYUN TURRS RAHYT NOW.

“Sweetest High” was released worldwide on June 22. (iTunes)

STOP. BREATHING.

Selegenda Gomezmerizing has just unveiled a preview of the video for upcoming single “Love You Like A Love Song” (which is set to debut in full Thursday on The Disney Channel) and it is–to no one’s surprise in particular–without a single flaw. (WATCH HERE)

The video for “Love You Like A Love Song” looks to be the focal point of this decade-inspired When The Sun Goes Down era (not unlike a certain Godney commercial!), as the enchanting pop starlet frolics ’round in technicolor as a ’70′s hippie, dons some massive shades for a chic ’80′s look, and even breaks out the puffy white wig of an Enlightenment-era woman (which she undoubtedly stole from Christina‘s collection when the bitch was busy turned around in that chair on The Voice.)

ALSO, SHE HULA HOOPS.

Said Marie Antoinette while watching the teaser and angrily forking a slice of red velvet cake into her mouth: “Fuck this ho.”

FLAWLESS ANGEL SPIRIT REMAINS FLAWLESS.

“Love You Like A Love Song” was released to iTunes on June 17. (iTunes)

STEP ASIDE AND KNOW YOUR ROLE BASIC BITCHES:
A LEGEND RE-ENTERS THE ROOM.

Lady Xtina is BACK (to basics) with a brand new beat as the featured act on Maroon 5‘s brand new summer single.

“Moves Like Jagger,” a sunny ode to The Rolling Stones lead Mick Jagger‘s schweet moves, is chock full of catchy whistled melodies, scorching guitar licks and a sizzling electronica beat burning below the surface. After a little over two minutes, Xtina makes her guest appearance: “So watch and learn, I won’t show you twice,” the Legend commands, a wig firmly clenched between her bloody raised fist.

It’s honestly a great cameo–I just wish she were featured more in the song!

Stream courtesy of ForeverMusick.

Legendtina and Levine will join forces to premiere the track live on tonight’s episode of The Voice. So before you hit the stage tonight ladies, I’ll leave you with the wise final words of encouragement from RuPaul:

Good luck…and don’t fuck it up. (Also take your shirt off, Adam.)

Pussy poppin’ Mick Jagger approves of this track.

Muusers: Prepare to be blown (away).

Meet Meital Dohan–pronounced “mey-tall,” probably just going to keep pronouncing it “metal”–the Israeli actress who you might already recognize as Yael Hoffman of Weeds fame.

After several years in the industry, the 31-year-old award winning actress has decided to do what every sensible actress should do: Embark on a short, weird foray into music making.

Behold “Yummy Boyz,” MuuMuse’s unofficial anthem of the summer.

First things first: The video for “Yummy Boyz” defies all boundaries and social decency. Like Degrassi it goes there, featuring dead presidents and Obama impersonators, inexplicable social commentary on obesity (and maybe amputees?), flaming crotches and water gun money shots. It’s a stunningly brash mixture of kitschy glam and low-budget hardcore porn, as if filmed for the sole purpose of being projected on the walls during Splash’s Twink Tuesdays.

Dohan happens to be having a ball (and an arm!) throughout, embracing her role as a sex-starved ’80′s bubble-pop temptress with an open bosom and a room full of mannequins–like an offensive version of Jessie & The Toy Boys.

As for the song itself, “Yummy Boyz” is the best song Heidi Montag never recorded. While the electro-pop scorcher suffers from a severe case of PopADD–leaping from one hook to the other without notice–it never strays too far from its deliciously trashy swagger.

Yet perhaps one of the most intriguing/confounding aspects of Dohan’s debut as a singer is her vocal delivery style, which lies somewhere in between the dull wheeze of an asthmatic during a deep sleep and the robot they hired to sing on Nadia Oh‘s Colours: Not quite speaking, not yet singing–it’s just kind of like breathing heavy in different tones.

So, what’chu think?

R U A HEAVY MEITAL LOVER OR WUT?

You know when you’re looking for that video from one of your faves that perfectly encapsulates why you go hard for them? For Wynter Gordon fans, this is that video.

Click above to watch Miss Gordon effortlessly flip Katy Perry‘s springtime smash “E.T.” on its head with this hypnotizing acoustic cover, performed at a private concert in Sydney last weekend.

Killer vocals, incredible improvised riffs…it’s just awe-inspiring. Chills!

We love you, Wynter!

The With The Music I Die EP will be released on June 28 in the US. (iTunes)
The With The Music I Die LP was released on June 17 in Australia. (iTunes Australia)

17-year-old Dessie, better known as Desiree Nilsson, is one of Sweden’s most well-known bloggers. (Or so I am told.)

From what I’ve gathered from Google Translate, Dessie’s blog mainly revolves around taking sexy pictures in front of her computer, contemplations about dying her hair a different color, shopping with friends, and kissing girls at fabulous parties.

In other words: Her life seems hard.

Today, Sweden’s Most Famous Blogger released her debut single (and video), “Whatcha Got,” produced by Swedish production troupe Trinity, who are currently in the studio with Agnes and the Pussycat Dolls‘ Jessica Sutta (!!!).

“Whatcha Got” is basically the more Swede Pop-encrusted answer to Ke$ha‘s “Tik Tok”/Katy Perry‘s “California Gurls,” including lots of chant-y bits (“HEY!”), a horn-heavy section, and loads of slay-worthy lyrics about being painfully sexy and having to deal with the attention: “I’m not on an ego trip / People just think I am hip!” Dessie declares, a sentiment that hasn’t been so strongly evoked since Paris Hilton‘s defining smash, “Turn You On.”

Raw. Honest. Real. I’m just glad someone’s finally brave enough to talk about the real issues in pop!

Lush lips, lovely legs…Dessie makes you dizzy, BAM!

“Whatcha Got” was released in Sweden on June 15. (iTunes Sweden)