Like a pheonix rising from the ashes—or a lotus growing within a stinky, mud-filled swamp—Legendtina has risen again.
The past few months have proven to be quite trying for the “F.U.S.S.” siren: Not only has Legendtina suffered a merciless smear campaign launched by the New York Times, but the Ms. Goduilera Bionic/Lotus Experience World Tour—the very tour she left The Voice to embark upon—remains frustratingly nonexistent.
But all is not lost: There’ve been incredible highs and endless amounts of #lotuspromo, including Time Magazine‘s long-awaited crowning of Legendtina as The Most Influential Artist of All Artists In The History of Ever.
Just last week, the songstress blessed fans with a Spanish-language treat of the non-Pitbull variety: Her cover of Miguel Gallardo‘s 1975 classic, “Hoy Tengo Ganas De Ti,” featuring Alejandro Fernandez, which will be used for a telenovela called La tempestad (and, presumably, her Univision reality TV docu-series, LevantaSAY, lotos: Las aventuras de Legendtina.)
The sweet scent of success is wafting through the air, stronger than ever—and it smells like Christina Aguilera By Day.
Legendtina has already begun shooting the video for “Hoy Tengo Ganas De Ti,” and she’s decided to give us a sneak peek today on Twitter. Hold onto your bobbleheads, y’all—’cause she’s about to have you spinning round in circles on her middle, middle dedo…
Hang on to your promotional Mi Reflejo red hair extensions, fans.
Legendtina María Chiquita Banana Nina Pinta Santamaria Whatsaladygaga Goduilera, TIME’s Most Influential Artist of Ever, has returned to her Latina roots.
Latina Magazine‘s 2000 Entertainer of the Year has teamed up with renowned Mexican singer Alejandro Fernández, resulting in a duet for the ages: A cover of Miguel Gallardo‘s 1975 classic, “Hoy tengo ganas de ti.”
President Barack Obama. Pope Francis. Kim Jong Un. Legendtina: These are the true legends of our time.
Today, Time Magazine announced 2013′s TIME 100—an annual list of the Top 100 most influential artists, leaders, innovators and religious icons. To no one’s surprise, multiplatinum recording artist, 4-time Grammy Award winner and 3-time winner of the Germany Fragrance Foundations’s Duftstar Award for Consumer’s Choice Best Women’s Fragrance in Lifestyle, Christina María Mi Reflejo Nina Pinta Santamaria Desnudate Aguilera, has been included.
Last night, Legendtina held a press conference at the newly remodeled Legendtina’s Lair to celebrate the latest in her seemingly endless string of achievements.
“For the love of God, please just stop moving. You’re spinning ’round in circles like a fool,” the director begs.
“HA!” the bewigged chanteuse snorts, whipping her head back over her shoulder and striking a pose. It’s #LotusPromo bitch, she thinks to herself with a smirk.
It’s been almost six cold, cruel months since Legendtina put down her crown and resigned from her oversized red throne at The Voice in order to bestow her gift upon the world–a gift so advanced that only few true music lovers can ever fully appreciate her teachings.
She’s been quiet from some time now, dormant–save for a nasty shade attack by the New York Times–but she’s been reawakened today, all thanks to an A-ha-sampling club anthem about bowel movements by a creepy Latino with a bulge larger than his bald head who visited her lair back in October.
Today is a new day: New beginnings, new wigs and, most importantly, new #LotusPromo.
There’s been no sign of life within the lair–not for weeks, if not months.
A television drones in the living room with the sound of an old I Love Lucy re-run playing on repeat. Mice chew away at discarded marshmallows on the floor from a spilled box of Bits ‘N’ Pieces cereal. A copy of Lotus gleams inside of a cobweb dangling from the ceiling.
Within the lair’s dark boudoir, a huge mass of pink curtains, red confetti, torn up pieces of a contract from The Voice, unsold copies of Bionic and Taco Bell wrappers gently rises and falls in the center of the room. Rising up like a lotus. Falling like “Just A Fool” on the Billboard charts. Every now and then, a heavy snore rings out from somewhere in the mound, lasting 17 seconds and running through several octaves.
Suddenly, a bedazzled pink Motorola Razr V3 lights up and buzzes next to the tangled mess. The mountain of fabric and faded dreams stirs slowly and lets out a groan. An arm juts out, clutches the ancient device in between its talons and brings it back into the messy pile.
“Google Alert,” a groggy voice reads aloud. “Christina Aguilera played during Mayor Bloomberg’s final State of the City address.”
The tattered curtains go flying off and she hops onto her feet.