“Ohhh! What’s this?” the husky-voiced songstress yodeled aloud, picking up the leafy flower attached to a note resting on her dressing room table.
“A gift for you, old friend,” the note read. And then below, in finer print: “Emphasis on old.”
“Huh!” Cher declared, licking her teeth and peering into the mirror. “Kind of looks like one of those things floating in my koi pond,” she chuckled, lingering on a distant memory of that time she tripped into the water years ago. She lifted the flower to her face and took a deep breath. “GAH!” she suddenly shrieked, dropping the flower and wrinkling her nose in disgust. “Chaz almighty, It smells like…”
“Red Sin?“, a seductive voice capable of a 16-second melisma purred behind her, followed by a satisfied, full-bodied cackle. Cher’s eyes widened in the mirror as she recognized who it was instantly: The gleam of the crown. The terse clacking of a pair of Louboutins against the floor.
It was her.
“No, you listen to me, Carson Gay-ly,” the World Hunger Relief spokeslegend shouts. “You give Adam more than 5 seconds of screen time in the new promo, and I’ll make sure you feel this moment,” she snarls, pointing to her outstretched middle finger.
She signs off Skype, tosses the iPad to the floor, takes a deep breath and reaches for a sip of a Lotustini resting nearby.
Legendtina‘s reign in 2013 is unparalleled: A triumphant return to The Voice for Season 5, a svelte new figure, the theme song for La Tempestad recorded for true lovers of Spanish music, a show-stopping performance with two fans at the Billboard Music Awards — and now, preparation for a massive world tour, which she’s currently putting together right in her very own living room.
LAS VEGAS, NV (LEGENDTINA NEWS NETWORK) – “Pero Me Acuerdo de Ti” songstress, Queen of Lotuses and modern society’s more talented and attractive answer to Jesus Christ, Legendtina Goduilera, reigned supreme at the 2013 Billboard Music Awards last night, unleashing a jaw-dropping performance of “Feel This Moment” with Latino bar mitzvah party songsmith, Pitbull.
Like a pheonix rising from the ashes—or a lotus growing within a stinky, mud-filled swamp—Legendtina has risen again.
The past few months have proven to be quite trying for the “F.U.S.S.” siren: Not only has Legendtina suffered a merciless smear campaign launched by the New York Times, but the Ms. Goduilera Bionic/Lotus Experience World Tour—the very tour she left The Voice to embark upon—remains frustratingly nonexistent.
But all is not lost: There’ve been incredible highs and endless amounts of #lotuspromo, including Time Magazine‘s long-awaited crowning of Legendtina as The Most Influential Artist of All Artists In The History of Ever.
Just last week, the songstress blessed fans with a Spanish-language treat of the non-Pitbull variety: Her cover of Miguel Gallardo‘s 1975 classic, “Hoy Tengo Ganas De Ti,” featuring Alejandro Fernandez, which will be used for a telenovela called La tempestad (and, presumably, her Univision reality TV docu-series, LevantaSAY, lotos: Las aventuras de Legendtina.)
The sweet scent of success is wafting through the air, stronger than ever—and it smells like Christina Aguilera By Day.
Legendtina has already begun shooting the video for “Hoy Tengo Ganas De Ti,” and she’s decided to give us a sneak peek today on Twitter. Hold onto your bobbleheads, y’all—’cause she’s about to have you spinning round in circles on her middle, middle dedo…
Hang on to your promotional Mi Reflejo red hair extensions, fans.
Legendtina María Chiquita Banana Nina Pinta Santamaria Whatsaladygaga Goduilera, TIME’s Most Influential Artist of Ever, has returned to her Latina roots.
Latina Magazine‘s 2000 Entertainer of the Year has teamed up with renowned Mexican singer Alejandro Fernández, resulting in a duet for the ages: A cover of Miguel Gallardo‘s 1975 classic, “Hoy tengo ganas de ti.”